I have very few friends left who are having their first babies, but every now and then, I still hear a new parent declare how ‘absolutely shattered’ they are and how difficult it is being a parent to a new-born. I just smile and nod and say nothing; safe in the knowledge that it only gets a hundred times worse as said bundle of joy grows older, morphing from innocent, angelic sweetheart, who holds your hand and tells you she loves you bigger than space into a spotty, reclusive, mute monstrosity that is commonly known as the teenager. I’m not sure which is worse; teenage boy or teenage girl? I am the owner of a female specimen but am reliably informed a male is equally as grim.
It’s not just the hormonal swings of
puberty that makes living with a teenager so traumatic; one minute they are
talking to you (even if it is just in two-syllable bursts), the next you are so
****ing annoying they can’t even bring themselves to look at you, let alone
actually speak to you! No, it’s much, much more than that.
Things you used to do that once made them
laugh like drains now cause acute embarrassment. Katie Price impressions,
eighties dancing, twerking… all resigned to the vaults of history. You’re not
allowed to talk to their friends. Or actually even breathe if they be so bold
as bring a member of the opposite sex home. You’ve suddenly become deeply
unfashionable. They don’t like your cooking. In fact, they’ve NEVER liked it.
Like, ever! It’s your fault they’ve got curly hair. And flat feet. And don’t
get algebra. You’re way too strict. You don’t let them do ANYTHING! You’re
taste in music is utter crap. You are soooo boring. You have absolutely no idea
what it’s like to be young. They really hate you. They even wish they’d never
been born…
Until of course, they want something.
Clothes. A full head of caramel highlights. Cash. A litre of Malibu. Driving
lessons! Then, effortlessly and without warning, they revert back to that
innocent, angelic sweetheart that you miss so much. They hold your hand and
tell you they love you bigger than space. You close your eyes and smile,
feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, and for one fleeting moment, all is well in
the world.
And then you give them whatever they bloody
want.
